We continue the 52-week plan to grow in Catholic Manhood by becoming a better Catholic Son and Catholic Father.
Last week, we began reflecting upon the ninth major habit: Major Habit 9 – Establish Authority, Order, and Culture in your Domestic Church and focused on Habit 29 – Establish and Maintain Just Authority in your family
We turn our attention to Habit 30.
Habit 30 – Maintain Order and Rules in your Family
Maintain Order and Rules in your family, offering the children fatherly direction by rules of behavior, providing predictable rewards and punishments to help the children learn to love and respect the dignity of their parents, each other and others.
Why is it essential for a father to first establish and maintain authority?
As reviewed last week in Habit 29 – Establish and Maintain Just Authority in your Family, a husband and father has a God-given calling to establish authority in his family by asserting himself as the head of the family.
A father, or any hopeful leader, cannot legitimately maintain order and rules if he is not accepted as an authority. Without authority, a father’s will is not respected and can be questioned, undermined and ignored by both his wife and his children. Sadly, a family can fall into rebellion, conflict and chaos when a wife and children fail to respect the father because a man failed to establish and maintain his authority as the head of the family; this can happen when The 4th Commandment (“Honor your father and mother…”) is not vigorously upheld and defended by the father (and mother).
What is meant by “order and rules”?
“Order” comes from Latin words which mean “arrangement, routine” and refers to the conformance to morals and behaviors in a family or society which lead to peace, harmony and stability.
“Rule” comes from Latin words which mean “a pattern, guide, to direct in a straight line” and refers to specific attitudes and behaviors which are acceptable and unacceptable for a group of people and are given by those in authority.
In summary, “order” is the ongoing stability, predictability and peace in a family “routine” that members of a family are called to respect and enjoy and “rules” are those specific attitudes and behaviors which accomplish the order.
How is Justice related to “order and rules”?
The Virtue of Justice is one of the four Cardinal Virtues (Prudence, Justice, Fortitude, and Temperance) and can be summarized as “giving God and others their proper due.”
The family is the school through which husband and wife demonstrate how to live with Justice and train their children to imitate their example. When family life is founded on Charity and conformed to the Virtue of Justice, order is maintained; when family life routinely falls into the Vice of Injustice, disorder (unpredictability, instability, conflict, arguing, abuse, disrespect, etc.) becomes the norm.
Rules are the specific attitudes and behaviors which lead to Justice, giving God and each person of the family their proper due.
What are some common rules which can help a family live with Justice?
While each family is different and their rules will vary, St. Thomas Aquinas’ definition of the sub-virtues of Justice can be helpful for developing rules in a family which help each family member grow in their willingness and ability to give God, each other and those outside the family, their proper due:
Rules related to the Virtue of Religion – Growing in the Virtue of Religion helps give God His proper due by joyously and zealously living out the Catholic faith; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Religion:
Our family prays together to give God thanks every day.
Our family honors God by attending Mass and resting in the Lord on Sunday.
Our family fasts/abstains on Fridays and Holy Days of Obligation.
Rules related to Virtue of Obedience/Piety – Growing in the Virtue of Obedience/Piety helps each person offer people and institutions superior to themselves their rightful due by offering honor, respect and obedience; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Obedience and Piety:
Our family honors God in our words and actions.
Our family honors and obeys the Pope, bishops, priests and the Magisterium of the Holy Catholic Church.
Each member of our family is a child of God and is loved, treated with dignity and never abused.
Our family honors, respects and defers to family elders including Dad and Mom, grandparents and other adult relatives.
Our children honor, respect and show deference to adults.
Our family respects police, firemen, soldiers and others who protect and serve.
Our family loves, honors and is patriotic to our country, are good citizens, and never breaks the law.
Our family respects those in the medical and teaching professions.
Rules related to the Virtue of Observance/Courtesy – Growing in the Virtue of Observance/Courtesy helps each person recognize the inherent dignity of every soul and treats others with respect by being cordial, polite, chivalrous, and practicing good manners which seeks not to offend the rightful peace of others; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Observance/Courtesy:
Our family practices cheerfulness, politeness, modesty and cordiality with each other and those outside the family.
Our family works through disagreements with charity and discussion; we do not fight with words or physical actions.
Our family knows good table manners and practices them at every meal.
Children are not allowed to disrupt the peace and quiet of the family or others.
Our family honors and respects the hospitality of others.
Our family respects the rights and property of others and public property.
Rules related to the Virtue of Gratitude – Growing in the Virtue of Gratitude helps each person continually recognize the abundant blessings from God and others and responds with words and acts of thanks to express his appreciation of another’s kindness; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Gratitude:
Our family looks for ways each day to say “Thanks be to God” and regularly expresses gratitude to God in daily family prayer.
Our family says “Thank you” to each other many times a day.
Our family thanks others for their kindnesses (words, cards, little reciprocal acts).
Rules related to the Virtue of Vindication – Growing in the Virtue of Vindication helps each person uphold Justice by learning to recognize and to consistently respond to just and unjust acts with appropriate consequences including rewards to encourage justice and punishments to admonish, stop, correct and deter unjust acts; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Vindication:
Our family has clear and consistent rules and consequences to help children grow in Justice.
Our family practices vindication in public life, supporting those who uphold Catholic values and refusing to associate or do business with those who are unjust.
Rules related to the Virtue of Truthfulness/Honesty – Growing in the Virtue of Truthfulness/Honesty helps each person grasp the reality of God and His Truth as preserved in its fullness in the Catholic Church and to strive to always form and conform their thoughts, words and deeds to the reality of God’s Truth; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Truthfulness/Honesty:
Our family is formed and conforms to the Truth of Christ as perfectly preserved by His Holy Catholic Church.
Our family always speaks and acts with the fullness of truth in all circumstances.
Rules related to the Virtue of Fraternity/Affability – Growing in the Virtue of Fraternity/Affability helps each person cheerfully seek to build friendships with others which helps support a healthy and happy social order, deters conflict and is often the first step in evangelization; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Fraternity/Affability:
Our family eats together, spends a lot of family time and prioritizes staying connected.
Our family seeks to develop deep personal relationships with the extended family.
Our family is outgoing and friendly and seeks to build familiarity and friendship with neighbors.
Each member of our family is encouraged to build true and lasting friendships with others.
Our family is active in our parish.
Rules related to the Virtue of Generosity/Liberality – Growing in the Virtue of Generosity/Liberality helps each person use God’s gifts to help others in need; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Generosity/Liberality:
Our family takes heroic action to help family, friends, and neighbors when crises occur in their lives.
Our family sacrifices time, talent and treasure to help those in need.
Our family routinely seeks to make the world outside our home better by little works (e.g. picking up trash on the street).
Rules related to the Virtue of Kindness – Growing in the Virtue of Kindness helps each person be empathetic about the happiness and needs of others, offer many little acts of kindness and take concrete action to relieve the suffering of others; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Kindness:
Our family routinely offers each other many little kindnesses in daily life.
Our family takes great joy in doing little favors for friends, neighbors and those we meet.
Our family responds when others are suffering with kind words and acts to help alleviate their pain.
Rules related to the Virtue of Responsibility/Duty – Growing in the Virtue of Responsibility/Duty helps each person grow in excellence and fulfill their duties and responsibilities in the family and in society; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Responsibility/Duty:
Our family strives for excellence and does little and large things well.
Our family immediately helps when there is household work to be done.
Each member of the family keeps his/her room tidy and diligently takes care of his/her possessions.
Our family actively supports the needs of our parish family.
Our family are good citizens and help when needed in the neighborhood and city.
Rules related to the Virtue of Defense/Protection – Growing in the Virtue of Defense/Protection helps each person responds to unjust attacks by others with prudent and proportionate words and acts in self-defense and the protection of others; here are some examples of family rules based on the Virtue of Defense/Protection:
Our family aggressively responds if a family member is abused or attacked.
Each member of the family is ready to sacrifice to defend the innocent and weak.
Our family stands up against attacks on the Catholic Church.
Our family is prepared to defend our home, neighborhood, city and country when needed.
Why must a husband and father lead his family using the Virtue of Vindication?
The Virtue of Vindication is a part of the Cardinal Virtue of Justice through which rewards and punishments are given by those with authority to ensure thoughts, words and deeds conform to established rules.
A father must lead in implementing the Virtue of Vindication in the family because: 1) as the head of the family, it is his duty and obligation to uphold order and rules to avoid rebellion and chaos, 2) without the predictable consequences of rewards and punishments, children will struggle with selfishness, self-control, and obedience, 3) men are “systematizers”and are naturally inclined to uphold objective order, rules and accountability and are often less hesitant to correct children, and 4) women are “empathizers”and have the beautiful natural gifts of empathy and nurturing but can sometimes be too permissive and inconsistent with correcting children.
Given the need for consistency in helping children learn and grow in justice, it is essential for a husband to continually build agreement with his bride about household rules and how children will be rewarded for keeping the rules and corrected if they do not.
Why should a father and mother have a deliberate parenting plan which incorporates the Virtue of Vindication ?
While all parents use rewards and punishments (Virtue of Vindication) to raise their children, many parents struggle because they do not agree on how to discipline, use flawed approaches, and are inconsistent; this can lead to chronic conflict between spouses, chaos in the family, and children who are selfish, disrespectful, disobedient, and impulsive.
While approaches can vary between families, a deliberate plan as to how children will be rewarded and punished:
Helps parents be more effective – A deliberate plan as to how children are to be rewarded and punished helps parents be more effective because it confirms family rules, how rules will be enforced, and prepares parents to consistently offer rewards and punishments to children to help them grow to be unselfish, respectful, obedient and self-controlled.
Reduces conflict between a father and mother – Disagreements about how to reward and punish children is a common type of conflict between fathers and mothers. A deliberate plan reduces conflict because both parents agree on specific approaches, do their best to carry out their mutually agreed upon approach, can more easily admit when they fail to keep the plan, and more readily return to respectful discussion when the inevitable modifications of their joint plan is needed.
Helps children keep rules and prepares them to be parents – The inconsistent use of rewards and punishments with children worsens the duration and impact of children’s misbehavior and leads to chronic rebellion, conflict and chaos within the family; by holding to a plan and consistently providing predictable rewards and punishments, children learn and more consistently keep the rules leading to greater peace and joy in the family.
Children who have been poorly parented are more likely to be poor parents in the future; consistent parenting helps children learn how to be consistent parents.
What are the styles of parenting and which is the best?
Parents develop a style of parenting based on how well they incorporate the Virtue of Vindication in the raising of their children based on their level of Expectations and Engagement. Parents who practice the Authoritative Style of parenting strongly embrace the Virtue of Vindication and their children are more likely to grow into happy, moral and competent adults:
Two key parts of parenting: Expectations and Engagement – Parenting styles can be described by the different levels of Expectations and Engagement parents routinely offer their children. Expectations refers to the level of rules and consequences parents establish and maintain for the attitudes and behaviors of their children. Engagement refers to the level of parent involvement, followup and support of children to help them grow in their willingness and ability to meet the parent’s Expectations.
The Virtue of Vindication is best manifested by parents who have high Expectations and high Engagement in the raising of their children.
The Authoritative Parenting Style yields better outcomes for children – There are four basic styles of parenting (Neglectful, Permissive, Autocratic and Authoritative) which depend on the parents’ choices about Expectations and Engagement:
Three styles of parenting are damaging to children – Three styles of parenting which do not have high Expectations and high Engagement lead to poorer outcomes for children as they grow into adulthood:
Neglectful parents have low Expectations and low Engagement and are indifferent and disengaged from their children’s life, offering little emotional support, guidance or discipline. Neglectful parenting yields children who are selfish, have emotional and behavioral issues, lack self control, have poor self-esteem, have difficulties in building relationships, and achieve less.
Permissive parents have low Expectations and high Engagement and avoid setting demanding rules and expectations and are lenient while over emphasizing nurturing, support and attempting to encourage a child’s self-esteem. Permissive parenting yields children who lack self-discipline, are dependent, have difficulties in accepting authority, misbehave more, have low self esteem and achieve less.
Autocratic parents have high Expectations and low Engagement and set demanding rules and expectations and are strict in punishing non-compliance and tend to offer lower support and nurturing. Autocratic parenting yields children who have lower self-esteem, have increased anxiety and depression, have poor social skills, are more aggressive, are prone to rebellion and resentment, and have lower academic achievement.
The Authoritative style of parenting leads to better outcomes for children – Authoritative parents have high Expectations and high Engagement and set demanding rules and expectations and are dedicated to helping their children understand and comply with their expectations and grow into healthy and happy adults. Authoritative parenting yields children who have higher self-esteem, perform better academically, have stronger social skills, are more well-behaved, and are more resilient.
What are some guidelines to start to develop the Authoritative style of parenting?
While each husband and wife will develop their own detailed approaches based on what works with each of their children, here are some principles to consider in building your plan:
Establish and maintain your plan in God – The goal of just parents is to create competent and confident children who grow to be adults who draw closer to Jesus Christ and His Holy Catholic Church and strive to grow in holiness and happiness on their pilgrimage towards Heaven. Raising holy children is the most important and most challenging work of any father and mother.
To achieve this great and holy goal requires the constant help and guidance of God through the Gifts and Fruits of the Holy Spirit. A father and mother should regularly seek the help of God to guide them as they develop their parenting plan and beg for the Holy Spirit to help them be excellent parents in service to God and their children.
Uphold the dignity and authority as the father – If a father does not establish and maintain his authority, he will be less likely to act like a leader and his children (and wife) will not respect him, comply to rules and question and resist accepting correction.
Sadly, many modern fathers undermine the dignity of fatherhood and their authority by lowering themselves to the level of their children by acting foolish (clowning, trying to entertain or be funny, dressing up like a girl for a daughter’s tea party, etc.) or trying to be their child’s “buddy” (being a playmate, allowing children to use his first name, etc.); this can happen for a number of reasons including a father’s confused embarrassment or resistance of his God-given duty of headship, fear, laziness, insecurity, or by a weak and immature self-indulgence that pathetically seeks validation and affection from children.
Effective fathers uphold the dignity of fatherhood and maintain their rightful authority by keeping clear role boundaries with their children; this does not preclude a father’s natural and important worth to help children develop through play.
What are some principles for setting High Expectations?
Authoritative parents are deliberate in setting high expectations including the specific rules and consequences which are to be given for keeping or breaking the rules. Here are some guiding principles for setting high Expectations:
Set Expectations to bless the family and children – As Catholic parents, both husband and wife must set the Expectations for the children based on establishing justice in the family and so that every family member progresses towards giving God and each other their proper due. Think of the Expectations set in the family as blessings which help each family member grow in love and justice rather than simply rules which family members must keep; consider all Expectations for the glory of God.
Set Expectations for rules and consequences – Expectations are the standards of attitudes and behaviors parents demand of their children; it is both the expectations the parents have and what children themselves can expect for different attitudes and behaviors.
Exceptions include the rules (see above for the examples of rules based on the Virtue of Justice) that parents set for their children and how keeping and breaking rules result in predictable consequences (i.e. Rewards and Punishments).
Recognize Expectations must be sex and age specific and lead to successful adulthood – Children grow in their ability to make choices as their capacity for reason and experience and learning increases over time. As children grow, constantly increasing the demands for children is important to help them be able to build the skill and will to be competent and confident adults who will serve Jesus Christ and His Holy Catholic Church and to successfully raise their own children in the future.
It is also important to realize that while there are commonalities between boys and girls as to how expectations are set, boys and girls are different and often require different types of rewards and punishments to help them grow.
Do not hesitate to start early, helping young children understand behaviors which are encouraged and discouraged through appropriate rewards and punishments.
Be balanced in offering rewards and punishments – The errors of the parental styles which fail children can be traced in part to how rewards and punishments are given or not given for children’s attitudes and behaviors: Neglectful parents do not offer consistent rewards or punishments; Permissive parents overemphasize rewards and fail to adequately punish bad behavior; Autocratic parents underemphasize rewards for good behavior and overemphasize punishments for bad behavior.
The successful Authoritative parenting style is balanced in offering rewards for truly outstanding attitudes and behaviors and offering consistent appropriate punishment to correct poor attitudes and behaviors.
Focus on both attitudes and behaviors – As Jesus comes to change men’s inner hearts to comply to God’s expectations, children’s inner hearts must also be called to comply with parents’ expectations. A children’s heart needs to be discerned and parents must strive to help children understand, accept and love in their inner hearts the expectations that parents have for them.
Attitudes which make the inner heart transparent are clear to parents; for example, children who have good attitudes are cheerful, responsive and contrite when making mistakes, while children with bad attitudes are sullen, angry, resentful and not sorry when breaking a rule.
It is essential to move beyond simply getting outer grudging compliance to a parents’ expectations and seek the help a child have a deep love, respect and compliance in their inner hearts; without that change in heart, children will behave only when necessary and grow to be rebellious and sinful in adulthood.
What are some principles for setting rewards for children?
Here are some principles which can be helpful in determining how to build Expectations using rewards:
Never use bribes as rewards – Bribes are giving someone something to pay them for some behavior; bribes are common, unseemly and lead to all sorts of corruption in families and societies.
Some parents make the mistake of offering “bribes” for children when they do something right, often mistakenly thinking that simple compliance to some rule can be reinforced by offering material or experience rewards (e.g. if you make your bed today, you will get ice cream). These types of rewards build expectations and can lead to a transactional mindset in both the parent and child where a child must constantly receive rewards as “payments” for things which are expected of them; this sets children up for failure in the long term for they become presumptuous and uncharitable because they will not spontaneously do good and noble things unless they get some benefit.
Do not teach children to desire and accept bribes; avoid offering rewards as payments for routine behaviors.
Thoughtfully develop a “portfolio” of rewards – Each parent should have a clear set of rewards which can be offered to children when they do something worthy of praise in the family including praise, small tokens of appreciation, greater responsibility and freedom, privileges, etc. Be thoughtful with your bride in developing the specific types of rewards for each of your children at various ages.
Primarily use praise as a reward – Parents are seeking to help children not only comply to rules in the home, but to love the rules in their hearts and desire to live with justice in their lives.
Parental praise is acknowledging when a child has done something worthy of praise and expressing approval to the child.
Parents who primarily use praise as a reward help build a child’s intrinsic motivation for doing well, helps a child build self-esteem and confidence, builds a stronger bond with their child and helps instill ambition and perseverance.
Do not reward things which are not praiseworthy – There has been a recent movement to over-reward children for attitudes and behaviors which do not merit praise (e.g. everybody gets a trophy). Many fathers become cheerleaders instead of fathers.
This approach is damaging to children for it offers rewards for things which do not merit reward and leaves children to expect rewards for everything, no matter how mediocre an attitude or behavior is; it undermines intrinsic motivation, promotes a transactional mindset, leads to children who do not strive for excellence, lack perseverance and resilience and are lethargic and presumptuous. This is unjust for it praises a child for something they didn’t earn and fails to offer truly outstanding performance its proper due.
Be judicious in rewarding children and sparingly use rewards for those things which are truly praiseworthy; do not hesitate to offer encouragement to motivate children. Do not praise children for those things which they are routinely expected to do.
Offer your children physical affection – One of the greatest rewards a child can be blessed to receive is the approval and affection of their parents. Offer affection many times each day with loving eye contact, smiles, gentle touches and hugs.
What are some principles for setting punishments for children?
Here are some principles which can be helpful in determining how to build Expectations using punishments:
View punishments as necessary blessings – Punishments are negative consequences for bad attitudes and behaviors which are natural consequences given by parents to help their children grow in justice.
Parents can develop wrong attitudes about punishments which include enjoying punishing children (which builds resentment) and abhorring offering punishment to children (which builds disrespect).
Instead, view punishment as a blessing which is offered in love to help a child grow in their path to adulthood.
Build a portfolio of punishments – Just like parents need a portfolio of rewards, parents need to develop a portfolio of punishments which may include displays of disapproval (angry looks, tough words, reprimands and rebukes, etc.), “time-outs”, physical actions (taking a child by the hand, physically moving a child to be privately reprimanded, squeezing an arm, spanking), or removal of privileges, etc. Punishments will necessarily evolve as children mature and will vary by child and by age.
Punishments should vary based on the severity of the poor attitude or misbehavior. For example, consider having different levels of punishment based on the severity of the infraction(mild, moderate and high).
Parents should also build in the principle of reparation as a form of punishment when possible and appropriate; justice demands that those who sin must repair the damage they have caused. As part of correction, insist that children make a heart-felt admission of their errors, how their misbehavior has damaged others, make sincere apologies and make restitution (where possible) for the damage their misbehavior has caused.
Fathers and mothers should jointly agree upon and continually discuss the types of attitudes and behaviors which require punishment and how punishment will be given for each child.
Never threaten and make punishments automatic – Some parents out of false mercy or because they don’t actually want to punish bad attitudes and behaviors, resort to threats (“If you don’t stop, I’ll….”) or offers a countdown to punishment (“I’ll count to three…1, 2…”). These types of delays become chronic and give a child the freedom to ignore (or torment) a parent for a period of time.
Instead, immediately punish a child when they misbehave with an appropriate punishment without delay or warning; this helps a child understand that they simply must obey all the time and that punishments will be automatic when the child misbehaves.
Be extremely cautious in using corporal punishment – Corporal (bodily) punishment is the infliction of pain on children for bad attitudes or behaviors and include excessive squeezing of an arm, rough handling, pulling hair, pinching, slaps, swats and even punches.
Corporal punishment is acknowledged as valid for correcting children in the Bible (Prov 13:24, 22:15, 23:13-14, Prov 29:15). While Jesus takes violent physical action to cleanse the Temple (Mt 21:12-13; Mk 11:15-17; Lk 19:45-46; Jn 2:13-17), those Jesus is punishing are adults and not children. Importantly, in every recorded event in the Gospels where Jesus interacts with children, He is gentle and tender (see for example: Mt 9:13-15; Mk 5:35-43, 9:36-37).
Corporal punishment has some positives including immediate compliance, is clear and unmistakable, and can lead a child to remember and want to avoid future misbehavior.
On the other hand, corporal punishment can lead to fear and anxiety in a child, lower a child’s self-esteem, lead a child to be violent against others, build resentment and can damage the parent-child relationship.
Enter into deep prayer to discern if corporal punish is necessary, if ever, to help a child to learn and if so, what specific circumstances merit corporal punishment. Corporal punishment should be very rare, if used at all.
Punishments must be offered in charity – Punishments can be given in harsh and humiliating ways which are a sin against Charity. St. Paul warns fathers to not be overly harsh and provoke children to anger and discouragement (Eph 6:4; Col 3:21).
Never give punishments in a way that crush the spirit of a child or humiliate them. Instead, offer punishments in private as acts of charity with calmness, predicability and with appropriate severity so as to uphold the dignity of the child.
Punishments must be transparent and logical – There must be predictable punishments for breaking the rules so that a child understands and learns that bad attitudes and behaviors have predictable negative consequences. All punishments should be appropriate and proportional to the severity of the err in a child’s attitudes or behaviors.
Be calm and detached in punishment – Some parents err by routinely acting with angry words and actions which can make children anxious and can result in a loss of impact; those who frequently yell and act angry can confuse a child and can lead a child to ignore the parent.
Instead, make the standard approach one of calmness in reprimanding and punishing a child, ensuring the child can see the love that motivates the correction and learn how to deal with others in a self-controlled and calm manner.
Reserve displays of anger in punishment for severe types of bad attitudes and misbehavior, offering appropriate anger when children willfully and repeatedly misbehave.
Punish the child not everyone else – Some parents err by allowing a misbehaving child to control a family’s activities or peace by stopping activities which punish others including parents (e.g. a parent removes the child from dinner table and remains with the child); this punishes everyone, disrupts social connectedness and can lead the wayward child to realize they can control others by their misbehavior.
Instead, temporarily remove a child, privately reprimand him or her and then return the child to group.
What are some principles for maintaining High Engagement?
Authoritative parents are vigilant in following up to ensure that children learn and grow through their experiences of keeping and breaking rules. Here are some guiding principles for maintaining High Engagement:
Remain motivated by continually seeking God’s help – Parenting is one of the hardest jobs a man can do and it is the most important. Because parenting is difficult and every man is flawed, both a husband and wife need the constant help of God to be vigilant and wise in the rewarding and punishing of children. Pray regularly for the Holy Spirit to help you and your bride grow in the Gifts and Fruits of the Spirit.
Gather the facts before offering rewards or punishments – To be just, parents must ensure they fully understand the facts around good and bad attitudes and behaviors before taking action. For example; if a child is not actually responsible for some good result, it is not just to reward them; if a child does not know what is expected of them in a certain circumstance, they must be taught, not necessarily punished. Presume innocence but do the proper work to discover the truth.
Always investigate to the degree necessary so that you are confident of what a child has done or failed to do so that your correction is effective; establish merit (prior to reward) and guilt (prior to punishment).
Look for ways to recognize good behavior and accomplishments – Children desperately seek their parent’s approval and deep down wish to please their parents. Be on watch to “catch your children doing something right” and offer appropriate praise based on the accomplishment. Positive reinforcement with children (as with adults) works to build motivation if it is done in a just way (e.g. praising praiseworthy things).
Pray with children – Praying with children when they have had bad attitudes or behaviors, particularly ones which are chronic, can help get the help of God to guide both the parent and the child, teach the children how to practically pray and can often soften hearts of both parents and children.
Be vigilant in following up on many small daily attitudes and behaviors – Every day, a father and mother have many opportunities to engage with their children, offering both rewards and punishments for their children’s attitudes and behaviors. The old adage, “Take care of the small things and the big things will take care of themselves” is true in raising children.
Be firm in decisions – Many parents err by stating some decision and then changing their decision when their children continue to beg or whine; this trains a child to relentlessly beg and whine until they get their way. Instead, thoughtfully make a decision and stick with it so that children can learn that “Yes means yes and no means no.”
Immediately follow up on bad attitudes – Children, like all people, are selfish and can often exhibit anger, resentment and disobedience when they don’t get their way. Many parents make a grave error when they allow children to “express” their anger for it is disrespectful and rebellious against parents and is unjust for it affects all those present; for example, children are allowed to yell, cry and scream when they don’t get their way until they tire out, while the parents pretend not to notice. No child should be ceded the right to throw tantrums for it is a lack of respect and unjust. Tantrums are a learned behavior and evidence that parents are failing in their attempts to discipline their children.
Similarly, many children form a habit of whining to get attention and get their way; whining children are unhappy children who disrupt the peace of others. Chronic whining in children is a learned behavior which can be unlearned. Parents should correct their children so they can mature and have the confidence to accept disappointment and to clearly voice their needs and desires without emotionalism and childish whining.
It is essential to immediately follow up on acts of insubordination (scowling or hitting a parent, being sassy, etc.) because even small attitudes and displays of disrespect break The 4th Commandment (“Honor thy father and mother…”) and lead to greater rebellion in the future.
Correct children, do not banish them – Some parents due to ignorance or fatigue banish their children to their rooms as a punishment. While this may seem like a punishment, children can actually enjoy being in their rooms which are often filled with toys, computers, books, and TVs. Instead, lovingly confront the child with age-appropriate punishments (e.g. a one minute “time out” in the corner; sitting at the kitchen table and writing down what they have done wrong and why it matters, etc.) until they have come to admit their guilt, are contrite and are prepared to comply.
Directly confront misbehavior rather than use distraction – Many parents avoid confronting and correcting bad behavior by using distraction techniques; for example, offering a child who is throwing a tantrum some toy to get them to stop. The use of distraction techniques is due to ignorance or a lack of will to correct a children (laziness, weakness, misplaced empathy, etc.).
While distraction approaches may sometimes be valid for very young children who lack reason, distraction as a technique fails to help a child learn just behavior (i.e. right and wrong), leads to confusion, and ensures the same bad behavior will happen again.
From an early age, consistently confront children about unacceptable behavior so they can learn right behavior, understand consequences, and most consistently behave.
Insist on obedience first, and then understanding – When facing a disobedience, many parents try to reason with a child, trying to get them to understand. This confuses the child for they lack degrees of reason, do not agree, and can refuse to obey parents in the future unless they first understand and agree. This undermines a parent’s authority and leads to chronic disobedience; in times of urgency (e.g. disruptive behavior in public) or crisis (the safety of a child is at stake), children must simply obey their parents commands without question or understanding.
Be consistent with consequences – As children move into adulthood, they must understand the connection and consequences for good and bad attitudes and behaviors; attitudes and behaviors have consequences in the real world. Children who do not receive consistency of consequences can become confused, insecure, manipulative, have disregard or disrespect of authority, have struggles with self-control and fail to be able to realize how right attitudes and hard work lead to rewards in the world.
To help children have good attitudes and behaviors, the consequences for bad attitudes and behaviors must be predictable, consistent and must not be undermined by reversing course (which actually rewards a child for misbehavior).
For example, a child who routinely refuses to eat at a meal should not be rewarded with dessert or snacks after a meal because they will learn that there are no consequences for participating in the family meals or healthy eating; instead, have the fortitude to either restrict the child’s eating until the next meal or save his plate from the meal for him to eat later.
Children who misbehave and are corrected should not be rewarded by being cuddled and comforted for this downplays their misbehavior and offers them an easy out when they have been reprimanded and don’t like it.
It is also very important to be consistent when a family has multiple children. Younger children keenly watch how parents follow up with rewards and punishments; parents must set the precedence for proper attitudes and behaviors with older children so younger children can observe, learn and grow in obedience.
Reconcile with a child after correction – Parents can fall into a pattern where children are “in the dog house” for extended periods of time, punish multiple times for the same offense, and can ahold grudges against misbehaving children; this leads to strained relations between the parent and child, can effect a child’s self-esteem, and lead a child to have chronic shame and resentment.
Instead, make corrections immediately, make punishments as short as possible and quickly reconcile with a remorseful child, reminding them of the parent’s love and forgiveness; in this, a parent models the forgiveness that God offers all who repent and come to Him in contrition.
This week’s questions
Here are a few questions to meditate upon:
How might I, my wife and children benefit if I become more consistent with establishing order and rules in our family?
How might I become more effective in setting high Expectations and maintaining high Engagement with my family?
This week’s commitments
Making a habit a reality requires commitment to concrete action. Here are this week’s challenges:
Reflect upon Habit 30 with your wife and identify a few ways to more consistently work together to establish and maintain order and rules in your family.
Don’t forget to pray with the ECM Daily Gospel Devotional each day.
Consider listening to the EveryCatholicMan.com Gospel Devotional Podcast to be better prepared for Sunday Mass.
Daily Prayer
During the week, pray this short prayer, or one like it, to Maintain Order and Rules in the family:
Almighty Father, help me to understand and commit to maintain order and rules in my family and send the Holy Spirit to guide my wife and me so we more effectively raise our children to live with justice and become healthy and happy adults. Amen.