We continue the 52-week plan to grow in Catholic Manhood by becoming a better Catholic Son and Catholic Father.
This week, we start reflecting upon the ninth major habit: Major Habit 9 – Establish Authority, Order, and Culture in your Domestic Church which can be broken down into four smaller habits:
Habit 29 – Establish and Maintain Just Authority in your family
Habit 30 – Maintain Order and Rules in your family
Habit 31 – Build a Robust Catholic Family Culture
Habit 32 – Cultivate Catholic Family Friendships
We turn our attention to Habit 29.
Habit 29 – Establish and Maintain Just Authority in your family
Establish and Maintain Just Authority in your family, asserting your God-given headship as the father, in cooperation/participation with your bride (the mother), and to lovingly lead the family by imitating the self-sacrificing love of St. Joseph.
What is an overview of Major Habit 9?
Before diving into Habit 29, it will be helpful to provide an overview of Major Habit 9 – Establish Authority, Order, and Culture in your Domestic Church:
The “Domestic Church Militant” – To ensure His men would continue in the spiritual battle against evil to evangelize the world (Mt 28:16-20), Jesus establishes His Catholic Church on a “war footing” and His Kingdom on earth becomes known as the Catholic Church Militant. Jesus’ Kingdom is called the Catholic Church (CCC 763-766). The Catholic Church derives its name from Catholic (meaning “universal”, CCC 830) and Church (meaning “convocation or assembly”; CCC 777) and exists in three states (CCC 954): the Church Militant (the pilgrims on earth), the Church Penitent (the souls being purified in Purgatory), and the Church Triumphant (the Saints in Heaven).
The “domestic Church militant” is the Catholic family, the smallest cell of the Holy Catholic Church Militant. A married Catholic man is called, with his bride, to build their Domestic Church (CCC 1655-1657, 1666) and carry out his sacred duty to grow in holiness with his bride and to pass along the faith to his sons and daughters (CCC 2225-2226, 2252); “service and witness to the faith is necessary for salvation”, for both the father and mother (CCC 1816).
“Just Authority, Order and Culture” – “Just Authority, Order and Culture” describes key structural elements of human families (and societies) which support either human harmony and flourishing or descension, division and unhappiness.
“Just” comes from Latin words which mean “righteous, equitable, true, proper” and is the living out of the Cardinal Virtue of Justice through which God and each person is given their proper due.
“Authority” comes from Latin words which mean “master, leader, and command” and refers to the power or right to give orders, make decisions and enforce obedience.
“Order” comes from Latin words which mean “arrangement, routine” and refers to the conformance to moral and behavioral rules in a family or society which lead to peace, harmony and stability.
“Culture” comes from Latin words which mean “to tend, guard, till, worship” and describes the shared beliefs, customs, practices, values, and social behavior of societies; all societies worship something (cult), and customs, practices and social behaviors develop around what is worshiped.
In summary, “Just” describes the necessity of acting with true Justice, “Authority” describes who is in charge, “Order” describes the rules which govern, and “Culture” describes how what is worshiped is practiced in a family or society.
“Establish and Maintain” – “Establish” comes from a Latin word which means to “make stable” and describes the work a leader must do to provide a sure foundation for those who are to follow. “Maintain” comes from a Latin word which means “to hold in the hand” and describes the necessity for a leader to do the “hands-on work” to keep those in his charge on track with what has been established.
What is “just authority” in a Catholic family?
Habit 29 is to Establish and Maintain Just Authority in your family. For a Catholic husband and wife, to be “just” (giving God, each other and children their due), they must both commit to establish and maintain their family based on God’s plan for husbands to be heads and women to be helpers in families.
God’s plan for men’s headship and women’s helper-ship – From the beginning, God created men (Adam) to be heads of their families and women (Eve) to be helpers (Gen 2:18) in the family.
Following the model of Adam, throughout the Old Testament, God establishes men (e.g. Adam, Noah, Moses, David, etc.) to be heads of families and His people. Building on this precedence, St. Joseph is established as the head of the Holy Family and the Blessed Virgin Mary and Jesus both submit to St. Joseph’s just headship. Jesus confirms the role of men’s headship by revealing God as Almighty Father and His Kingship and by choosing exclusively men to lead His Holy Catholic Church.
After Christ’s Ascension, His Apostles explicitly reconfirm the sacrificial headship of husbands over their wives and over their children (Gen 3:16, 1 Cor 11:3, Eph 5:24, Col 3:18, 1 Pet 3:1, 1 Tim 2:11, Titus 2:4-5).
God’s punishment of rebellion against His plan for men and women – Original Sin was attributed to Adam due to his failure to protect Eve in the Garden and his cooperation with Eve’s rebellion against God’s command (Gen 3:1-6); this unjust act against God resulted in severe punishment with men destined to struggle to provide for and protect their families and women destined to be subservient to their husbands and have pain in child birth (Gen 3:16-19, 23-24).
To be just and avoid rebellion against God’s plan for just authority, both men and women must be obedient to God by cooperating with His explicit plan for men and women and to commit to their roles as “heads” (husbands) and “helpers” (wives).
How does God create men to be heads and women to be helpers in marriage?
God in the Blessed Trinity has complete Dominion and Providence over Creation and desires for each soul to find happiness on earth and lasting happiness in Heaven.
God creates men and women with complementary differences – God creates men and women with equal dignity (Gen 1:27; CCC 369) but with complementary differences (CCC 1603, 2333) which allow the two to become one in their marriage and successfully raise their children (Gen 2:24; CCC 1615); there is both a “masculine genius” and “feminine genius” which complement each other and help husbands and wives on the path to salvation.
Research confirms a biological basis for complementarity – While individual men and women can vary, research suggests men and women have unique biological, psychological and evolutionary differences which are consistent with their God-given roles as heads and helpers:
Men are naturally “built” for headship – God has created men with specific biological and psychological differences to prepare them to be heads of their families.
Research confirms men are designed for headship: men have higher testosterone levels and brain structure differences (larger amygdala) compared to women which help men be leaders, goal-oriented, task-focused and driven, providers, risk takers and defenders of the family.
Women are naturally “built” for helper-ship – God has created women with specific biological and psychological differences to prepare them to be helpers in their families.
Research confirms women are designed for helper-ship: women have higher estrogen levels and brain structure differences (larger pre-frontal cortexes) compared to men which help women have greater empathy and ability for social bonding and nurturing, foster social harmony, cooperate in groups, and communicate in families.
Does cooperating with God’s plan for just authority lead to happiness in families?
Husbands, wives and children are happier when a husband is a sacrificial head of his family and a wife is a helper. Research suggests:
Marriages are stronger – In marriages where traditional roles are accepted (man as the head and women as helper) both men and women:
Report higher levels of happiness because there are clear divisions of roles and responsibilities consistent with their predispositions.
Have greater stability and commitment and lower rates of divorce and separation because men have a stronger sense of responsibility and receive appreciation as leaders and women find satisfaction in supporting the family unit.
Have less conflict because both men and women adapt and strive to fulfill their roles and recognize, honor, and appreciate the necessary complementary strengths of their spouses.
Men are happier – In taking on the traditional role as heads of their family, men have a satisfying sense of responsibility and purpose, experience the admiration of their wives and children, and have lower ambiguity stress because the know what they are called to do.
Women are happier – In taking on the traditional role as helper in their family, women experience emotional fulfillment by nurturing and caring for their families, enjoy building strong emotional bonds with their husbands and children, experience less frustration and conflict, and grow in self-worth and satisfaction when their many sacrifices as helper are recognized and appreciated.
Children are happier – When fathers and mothers embrace the traditional roles in families (husband as head; wife as helper), children experience greater happiness while they are children and when they grow into adulthood because:
Children have a greater sense of security because their parents take on their individual roles which provides stability and predictability.
Children have less confusion and anxiety when they have a strong father figure who offers safety and stability and a nurturing mother who creates a warm and caring home.
Children are more developmentally balanced as they witness complementary skills and approaches by their parents with their father demonstrating assertiveness and discipline and their mother fostering empathy and communication skills.
Children experience less conflict and stress as their fathers and mothers build family cohesiveness by cooperating and peacefully resolving differences in their complementary roles.
Children grow to be happier adults as they imitate the strong traditional role models of their fathers and mothers when they form their own marriages and experience greater marital satisfaction.
How can a Catholic husband and father grow as the sacrificial head of his family?
Here are some guidelines and practical suggestions to help a Catholic man grow in his sacrificial headship of his family:
Take on the great work of being the sacrificial head of your family – Every Catholic man who enters into marriage must commit to being the sacrificial head of his family, strive to imitate St. Joseph, have the mindset of sacrificial headship, and continually seek the help of the Holy Spirit:
Commit to be the sacrificial head of your family – As ordained by God, every Catholic man’s highest duty is to strive to aspire to Heaven and to lead his family and many others to Jesus and His Holy Catholic Church, and ultimately to Heaven. Be obedient to God’s plan for a husband and father’s headship, accept your duty to be the sacrificial head of your family and make it your highest priority in life.
In the end, all that matters in life is if you, your spouse, children and others are received into Heaven; this is your heroic calling in your vocation as a Catholic husband and father.
In prayer with your wife, commit to strive to be a sacrificial head of your family and pray for God to help you and your wife work together to help each other and the family on the path to Heaven.
Strive to imitate the sacrificial headship of St. Joseph – St. Joseph, the just man (Mt 1:19), obediently accepts God’s call (Mt 1:24) to be the head of the Holy Family as the Holy Spouse of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the earthly father of Jesus; as head of the Holy Family, St. Joseph sacrifices himself to lead, provide for and protect the Blessed Virgin Mary and Jesus and to raise Jesus into His glorious manhood.
Imitate the great virtue of St. Joseph (humility, meekness, fortitude, chastity) as you strive to be a sacrificial head of your family. Seek St. Joseph’s intercession for you to become the sacrificial head of your family.
Embrace the mindset of sacrificial headship – A man who seeks to imitate St. Joseph has the mindset of a sacrificial husband and father: seeks to sacrifice not indulge himself; is joyful not dour; is assertive but not oppressive; seeks to serve God and family in justice not as a tyrant; listens but leads; lifts up his bride rather than dominate; influences with integrity rather than coercion; seeks to be loved but does not cave when his decisions are unliked; is gently tolerant but not weakly permissive; is patient not impatient; is relentlessly persistent rather than flippant; is properly adoptive rather than stubborn. True Catholic headship is an icon of the fatherhood of God which is heroic, merciful, just and always strives to be loving.
A key measure of a Catholic man’s progress in headship is the growing acknowledgement, appreciation and devotion to him by his wife and children; longterm, a great Catholic father will be imitated by his sons and his daughters will marry men like him.
Seek the Gifts and Fruits of the Holy Spirit – The kind of sacrificial headship a Catholic man aspires to is beyond the reach of his own efforts; every Catholic man must seek the Gifts and Fruits of the Holy Spirit to help him grow as a sacrificial head of his family.
Unite your headship with your wife’s helper-ship – Every Catholic man should encourage his wife to her calling as helper, seek his bride’s advice and help, share authority with her, admonish her if his authority is undermined, and lead to resolve disagreements that arise with his wife:
Encourage your wife to be a helper – Just as a Catholic husband and father is called to obedience to God in his appointment as the head of his family, a Catholic wife and mother must be obedient to her call to be a helper to her husband and family.
Help your wife to be obedient to God in her role as helper by praying for her, encouraging her, thanking her for her countless sacrifices and contributions to the family, jointly discussing God’s calling for men to be head and women to be helpers and how that can be accepted and lived by both of you in your own particular marriage and circumstances.
Most importantly, the greater you humbly and selflessly demonstrate your willingness to sacrifice yourself as head of the family for your wife and children, the more likely your bride will more fully embrace her calling as helper.
Recognize, accept and cherish your bride’s gifts, advice and help – God has led you to His precious gift of your wife who He has created as a perfect compliment to you. Your wife is blessed with many special wonderful gifts to help you lead her, your children and many others to Heaven.
Pray for the Holy Spirit to help you have the prudence to seek your bride’s insights, advice and help in making and carrying out decisions for the family. Frequently acknowledge how your bride’s many insights are helpful to you and thank her.
Share authority with your wife – The prudent Catholic husband and father realizes he lacks the skills and capacity to “go it alone” in his headship and desperately needs the constant help of his wife. Ask for and be receptive to your wife’s many ideas and strive to build agreement about key decisions for the family. Recognize her unique strengths and agree upon how decisions and work will be shared. Err on the side of deferring to your wife’s preferences, especially in areas where she has better insight, aptitude and interest (for example, many women aspire and are very good at homemaking and care-giving). There are many areas which you can yield in loving sacrifice to your wife (see Habit 26 – Make Daily Sacrifices for your bride).
Endure and cover for your wife’s weakness – Recognize your wife has weaknesses as you do. Forgive her for her failures as you hope she will forgive you. Take up the sacrifice to humbly suffer her weaknesses and work to offset them in your marriage and in the raising of your children.
Admonish your wife in private on issues of authority – Wives can sometimes oppose and undermine the authority of their husband for various reasons: rebelliousness and pride; refusal to listen; errors in how a man exercises authority; ignorance as to some decision you have made or her role as helper; lack of understanding because her own father was absent or failed in headship.
If your wife undermines your authority, take her aside in private, begin with prayer, and offer the Spiritual Work of Admonishment (see Habit 27 – Lovingly Give and Accept Correction). Be willing to have conflict and discomfort in these hard discussions; stand firm in Christ when admonishing, assured that you are working for your wife and children’s happiness and salvation.
Never denigrate your wife in front of the children and rarely (if ever) correct her in front of the children.
Lead to resolve disagreements – It is very confusing to children to see disagreements between husbands and wives. Purposeful or accidental rebellion by a wife undermine’s a father’s authority with children, leads children to play parents against each other and encourages children to be rebellious and to disrespect their father (and mother).
Sometimes there can be real disagreements about important topics. Pray together with your wife for God’s guidance and consensus often emerges; on the rare occasions where consensus is not possible and decisions must be made, specifically assert your headship (again, this should be rare), make the hard call and ask for your wife’s acceptance and support of your decision.
Demonstrate Authority in your family – Here are some examples of the many ways a Catholic man can demonstrate his God-given authority as the head of his family:
Lead your family in the faith – Because a Catholic man’s greatest duty is to lead his spouse and children to Heaven, leading in the practice of the faith is the key area of headship for a Catholic man; a Catholic man is not a true sacrificial head of his family if he doesn’t lead his family in the faith. For more, see Major Habit 10 – Lead your Family to a Deeper Union with God and Major Habit 11 – Evangelize and Catechize your Family.
Act to enforce order and rules – A key part of authority is to be one who holds others to account and a husband and father’s authority is reinforced when he enforces order and rules in the family. See Habit 30 – Maintain Order and Rules in your family.
Deliberately demonstrate authority in the family – Every Catholic man must be vigilant and diligent in demonstrating his authority in the routine parts of daily life for failure to maintain authority leads to greater disobedience and systematic rebelliousness in children. As in the Our Father, the necessity of an earthly father’s “will be done” is an essential part of family unity and for the long term health and happiness of each of the family.
In daily life, there are many routine ways for a Catholic man to demonstrate his authority in the family: the father leads the family in mealtime prayer; family meals are not over until the father excuses the table; a young man who wishes to date a daughter at the appropriate age must first receive permission from the father; family disagreements between children are brought to the father to referee/decide; the father takes the lead in organizing family discussions, etc.
Fulfilling his daily duty of being the head of the family by demonstrating his authority and being decisive prepares a man, his wife and children to accept his authority when crises in the family arise; a father must rise to the occasion to be the leader of his family when chaos and havoc happen (e.g. illness, death, grave conflict, societal turmoil, etc.) and his wife and children must be prepared to follow him.
This week’s questions
Here are a few questions to meditate upon:
Do I understand and am I committed to my calling by God to be the sacrificial head of my family?
How might I, my wife and children be blessed if I grow as the sacrificial head of my family?
This week’s commitments
Making a habit a reality requires commitment to concrete action. Here are this week’s challenges:
Reflect upon Habit 29 with your wife and identify ways in which each of you can more consistently take on your roles in the family.
Don’t forget to pray with the ECM Daily Gospel Devotional each day.
Consider listening to the EveryCatholicMan.com Gospel Devotional Podcast to be better prepared for Sunday Mass.
Daily Prayer
During the week, pray this short prayer, or one like it, to Establish and Maintain Just Authority in the family:
Almighty Father, help me to understand and commit to imitate St. Joseph and grow as the sacrificial head of my family, guide and bless my wife to take on her beautiful role as sacrificial helper in our marriage, and send the Holy Spirit to help me Establish and Maintain Just Authority in my family. Amen.